I kinda feel bad writing a blog about my health and fitness when all around, the world seems to be falling a part.
Wars in the Middle East, a credit crisis across Europe and the U.S and now riots, on the streets of London. You can only fill your head with this stuff for so long. It’s all so desperate. I pray that God will give wisdom to those in leadership to protect people, property and stem the violence. I also pray that all the mindless thugs and robbers will be caught and punished for their crimes.
Hey, life goes on I suppose and whilst I can, I need to stay on point with my life, my health and my fitness, for me and for my family, so, if you want, read on and I’ll tell you about my day…
After a couple of days off from exercise, I went to bed last night really looking forward to a ‘mash up’ at the gym today. I set my alarm for 7am, it went off, I woke up, switched it off and went back to sleep. I know, how bad was that?! The muscles in my back and shoulders were still sore from Friday and that was annoying me, so again, I thought maybe the long run on Thursday really did take more out of me than I initially realised, maybe. Or, maybe I just hadn’t replenished more bodies energy requirements, or, maybe I’m just full of crap. The bottom line is, I wasn’t feeling an early morning gym, so I didn’t go.
Jan (she of the infinitely better half) wasn’t feeling too good so I decided to stay with her for a while, I did my good Son-in-Law bit and took the M-i-L shopping and then I went back home. I just had no energy what so ever. I was determined not to have three days without exercise, so when it hit 4pm I thought I don’t care how energy-less I feel I’m going the gym.
I got to the gym and again the weather was nice, windy, very windy, but, nice. I decided on a 5k run (37:15) around the Marina (which was in to a mean head wind) and then I just walked it out on the treadmill inside for half an hour. That my friends was that. I decided against weights and more cardio, I just think I need to take it easy. It’s really frustrating me tbh!!!
My heads a bit sidetracked today, I think I know why, it’s because of my job, more to the point, no job, situation and I just feel… look, I don’t know how I feel.
Some background is needed I think.
I lost my job about 18 months a go. I’ve always worked and losing my job hit me really hard. Harder than I think I at first realised. I won’t go in to the details of why I lost my job, I will one day, but, basically I tell people it was because of funding, it wasn’t, it was much more complicated and heart wrenching than that, but, for now, let’s just say it was lack of funding.
I took it really bad and I lost a lot of confidence as a result of it. I looked at myself. I was 42 years old, I had no qualifications, I was grotesquely over weight and all I could see ahead of me was, well, nothing. I thought my life was over and what I hadn’t realised, was that I was quite severely depressed.
Yes depressed. I hate that word, that label. My mother was a manic depressive for most if not all of my childhood and as a consequence, I find it really difficult being around people with mental health issues. The thought of me ever being depressed has always frightened the hell out of me, but, here I was, depressed. A very different depression to my mothers, but, never the less, depressed.
I think I must have been that way since about March/April 2010. I didn’t accept it, or seek help till about January 2011. I have a great GP and she suggested some medication. I tried that for a couple of months, but, it wasn’t for me. The breakthrough eventually came when I started on my road to a ‘healthier’ lifestyle. Exercise, the gym, fitness, transformation. It was the key to a healthier mind as well as a healthier body.
So what about work? Well, here in lies the problem. I’ve not found a job, but, if I’m honest, I’m not really looking for one either. I’ve got a big blockage in my brain, the cogs have ground to a halt and I just can’t face the reality of finding a new job. I’m actually scared. Yeah, I think that’s what it is. It sounds pathetic, I feel pathetic, but, I’m kinda scared of getting a job.
Look, I’ve not really spoke about this, so putting it here on the blog is a biggie for me. Jan knows how I feel and is having to deal with the consequences of that, but, I’ve not really spoken to a lot of people about it.
It’s starting to bug me now though. As a Christian, were the heck is my faith. Why am I allowing this to hold me back. It’s having an obvious affect on our finances and it’s like I don’t care. I do care (obviously), but, it just looks for all the world to see that I don’t. Do the right thing Paul. Take your head out of your backside and do the right thing. Yeah okay, I will, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. That’s the kind of conversation I have with myself daily. It’s all a bit weird. Thank God Jan is the wonderful, understanding woman she is.
Maybe I’m still depressed. Maybe I’ve conquered some/part of my depression, but, this is still something hanging on that I need to get a breakthrough with. I’m not at all sure, I just felt like telling you about it.
Right I’m off, gonna hit publish before I change my mind. This is my blog and it helps me to be honest about stuff, so I am being.
This is Paul Bentley signing off. I’ve eaten okay, I’ve been the gym and I’m slightly fed up haha. Catch you all tomorrow.
Peace and love,
“I Can Do It…!”