A day in reverse

Me, Kristin and our new friend no82

Normally it’s gym in the am and walkies in the pm. Today it was flipped on it’s head as my good friend Kristin from Norway was coming with me for a walk early on.

Typically British unpredictable weather meant I wasn’t sure if we were going to have rain or glorious sunshine, but, it was all good and we ended up with an overcast sky with occasional sunny spells. Weatherman speak, easy!

I mentioned Kristin to you guys yesterday and it was so lovely to share my ‘special place’ at Crosby Beach with her. We walked up, over and on to the beach, then we walked out to Iron Man no82, took some photos and walked some more. It was great. We chatted about our lives and we realised that we had a lot in common due to trauma, Kristin because of her cancer and me, well me because of my 16 months from hell. I’m sure I’ll tell you all about it one day, when we get to know each other a bit better 🙂

In a nutshell, we have both faced immense trauma in the last 12/18 months, very different trauma, very different challenges, but, very real shared experiences. I really felt like she understood me and I’m sure she felt the same of me.

Dealing with trauma is amazing. A life threatening illness, a death, an accident, serious confrontation/fear et al. We can each have very different experiences, but, how we deal with them mentally can be very similar.

A friend said something to me one day that really struck me and helped me. He said that when a person experiences trauma they find their ‘default’ position. You revert back to your ‘default’ position. Every persons default is different. Some are strong, some fall a part. Some organise, others lose any sense of order. One person may hit cruise control and another hit the bottle. What’s your default position? Maybe you’ve not had to find out yet, I kinda hope you never have too.

My default was good. I was strong, reassuring and took a certain level of control. My faith came through to the surface and I found tremendous strength and hope from that faith. My default got me through the eye of the storm and safely to the other side, a period of about six months. After that, when I hoped (and the family hoped) I’d push on to bigger and better things, my brain went in to ‘shut down mode’ and depression hit me hard. I talked about this aspect of my experience to a few people and with Kristin today and they all seemed to think it was understandable and symptomatic of my experience and the trauma. Kristin herself, had a very similar experience after she had beaten her cancer. For me, it was almost like the lull after an adrenaline hit but longer. Eventually, you gather your strength again, but, because we’re dealing with the brain, it takes time, a long time. I’ll tell you some more about this one day soon. Thank God, I’m alright now (famous last words 😉 ).


So, the walk was great and time with Kristin was great, just fantastically great. Later that day I was itching to go to the gym. I’ve not really been in the evening before, so I rolled up there at about 4.30/5pm. Firstly it was packed and secondly the demographic was very different. I like my morning gang of the less fit, the ordinary and the older. The evening crowd are younger, fitter and filled with lots of testosterone (and estrogen). It’s cool, it’s just not me.

I did a great fat burn cardio session on the treadmill (60mins) and a few weights and I was done. Maybe this is bad, tell me if you think it is, but, I love it when I get on the treadmill, some fit young thing gets on next to me, they look me up and down (with disdain), then I ‘mash it up’ on the mill and they look at me very differently when they get off, usually before I get off. Booooom!!!! Is that shallow of me? Don’t answer that, I know it is. Forgive me Jebus!! haha. You’ve got to love Homer.

Right, bed, late. Green Tee/Blue Shorts Friday tomorrow, so I want another big session ready for a Mirror Man photo.

Take care peeps and make a liddle change tomorrow.

Adios amigos,

Paul (Kracker)

“I Can Do It…!”


About paulbentley

My name is Paul Bentley and I started my blog in May 2011. I live in Liverpool in the North West of England, UK – I have always had ‘issues’ with my weight! When I got to 27st 13lbs (177kgs or 391lbs) I finally decided that ‘enough is enough’ and I need to make changes. As part of the process I decided I need to make myself accountable, so I’ve decided to be accountable to you. Thanks for offering ;-)
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3 Responses to A day in reverse

  1. Kristin says:

    Hello my dear friend Paul! Thanks for really nice words on your blog. Those words made me cry… It was very emotional and the way you write is amazing. You are an inspiration for me in the way your thinking is so positive. It feels great to have had that talk we had yesterday. You deserve the best in life! Say hello to your lovely family! Xxx “the viking” 😉

  2. Team Oyeniyi says:

    Your face is looking a lot thinner. I know I haven’t been around for a while, but I do think of you! Glad to see you are still here and keeping at it!

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